Some Like It Hot

Tragedy, oh tragedy; friends, I have terrible, awful, saddening, disheartening news. Our planet is in great peril, surely this world, after a good four and half billion year run is coming to an end. It seems the earth is getting too hot. Soon the polar ice caps will melt and Kevin Costner will evolve gills (I sure I hope I get some.) Soon Keifer Sutherland and Bill Paxton will team up to fight tornadoes rather than terrorism in Los Angeles. Soon a gay cowboy will probably get stuck in a library during a massive ice hurricane, having to fight off wolves (at least not werewolves) oh, and he’ll probably discover that a giant asteroid is heading towards earth, not like that’s even going to matter though. Yeah so pretty much we’ve only got a little time left. First, tanning salons (aka lighted coffins) will go out of business. Next, everyone will be forced to quit their jobs and work in factories that make “global” air conditioners to reverse the effects the tremendous rise in earth’s temperature (of course Wal‑Mart will own these factories.) Then, these “global” air conditioners will become so prevalent that it causes the earth to fall into another ice age (yes, of course Ray Romano is in this one; the ice hurricanes happen at this time too, I’m sure of it.) Then, the effects of the air conditioners will finally cease which will cause horrendous temperatures once again (this is when the polar ice caps melt; if you can’t swim you should probably learn to.) I’m sure at this point boat sales will be at an all time high; wives everywhere will realize how “not a waste of money” that twenty one foot Ranger bass boat with the glitter finish really is (seriously, every man needs a boat.) Eventually, it won’t matter the earth will be so hot that we will all turn into leather or drown in the flood that covers the earth (that is of course unless we all boil to death in the oceans.) So surely as the sun will rise tomorrow soon we will all no longer be living and the old earth will get so hot it will eventually boil it self to nothing or most likely get hit by an asteroid (you know the one the gay cowboy finds.) Or maybe it will get blown up by mass nuclear explosion or volcanoes or something; however it happens earth becomes no more just as we will: end of story. You may be sitting there reading all this and wondering what is it that is the cause of all this; is there anything we can do to stop this cataclysmic catastrophe? Probably not; even still what is the cause of all this. I know there are many theories. Maybe it is that there are so many people on earth this warming will occur from body heat? Or, maybe it will happen because of the flatulence of farm animals? No, no, no, it’s got to be NASCAR that’s it right? Well I’m no scientific expert or at expert at anything for that matter but it seems that the one true cause of Global Warming is none other than: the Internet. You think I’m joking? Now wait just one minute, this is a serious issue, I mean we’re all gonna die, probably in two days from now and that’s no convenient matter of fact. Evidence; you want evidence? Well, did you known that before the invention of the internet the world was concerned with Global Cooling? Oh, yes it’s true. We were once all to prepare for Global Cooling, but then came the invention of the Internet and that places the blame on one man and one man alone: Al Gore. Al Gore admits to inventing the internet which is obviously the cause of Global Warming; how do you think he knew about it first? One day the world we realize that Al Gore has caused Global Warming, one day Al Gore will say “I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for you meddling kids and your dog.” I’m still not quite sure he would be referring too, unless Scooby does in fact find him out but still I’m pretty sure he would say that. Ridiculous you say? This is proven scientific fact, I mean it’s on the internet is it not…ahhh the internet; run for your lives! Of course it’s ridiculous! Global Warming is ridiculous. If you believe the Bible and you believe Global Warming you are an idiot. How can I say that? Well, let me ask you if global warming is true and it does cause the polar ice caps to melt what will that cause? A flood, of course, but not just a little flood, a global flood; what does that Bible have to say about global floods? Genesis 9:12-17, remember that whole deal with the rainbow and not the sandals (though those are quite comfortable.) If you believe in evolution and you believe in Global Warming you are an idiot. One because you believe that the theory of evolution even in the absence of any evidence whatsoever, and two because you think the earth is billions of years old and yet you rely on about a hundred years of data to base a theory on the end of the world on. Global Warming belongs in the fictional realm of movies and is thus far the only place it can be found (you’d think those movies would be better.) Stop being stupid; abstain from ignorance. Christians, learn real science; evolutionists, learn real science. Al Gore, learn real science. Is it hot in here or is it just me?