But by the Grace of God

isn't it funny when God softly speaks thoughts into your head? the last couple years of my life have felt like a slow lonely walk through the valley. At times it's been a desprate struggle to just get a glimplse of the joy experienced on the mountian top of faith. Mark Rutland once said about trying to do ourselves what only God can do: "this year i'll be holy if it kills me, the only problem is it'll kill you if you don't wind up in a religious looney bin first, wearing a strait jacket in the fetal postion rocking back and forth humming Jesus loves me." I was almost there; there is nothing more that I wanted in life than to be holy, to be in God's perfect will, to love him and give my all to him. but through fear, sin, and eventually a bit of lonely depression I wanted so bad to just go home. Praise God He dosen't give up on us when we want to so badly. One day in half hearted prayer God removed my depression in what felt like an instant, it was just gone. My passion though was missing. I once had a furnace of passion buring within me and I miss it and more than that I know why I lost it. Don't ever, no matter what, ever, ever, ever ( oh Lord i'm sounding like Joel Osteen) give satan a challenge, turns out he is good at what he does, go figure. During the valley time I never quit having quiet times, it was very routine for me and sometimes I had sparks of passion within them but they quickly burn out. One saturuday in utter turmoil I prayed and had a sudden urge to read my Bible, somthing that I hadn't had in a long time, so I open and began to read, and read, and read and as I read through some of Pauls letters joy returned to my spirit, the furnace which had gone cold was re lit and the Holy Spirit moved in me as I had craved for what felt like ages. I was back where I needed to be, but once again I proposed a challenge to satan; he couldn't touch me I was on high, but as soon as I let the ignorance slip from my mouth I realized oh dummy why did you do that your in trouble now. That night as I praised God I wrecked my car, hit a deer and pretty much totalled the car. My faith shrivled and God took care of the situation, He put me in a new car and blessed me emensely beyond my imagination, but the damage was done in my spirit my faith was worn and once again the furnace had but a pilot light of life. It's been a few weeks since then and It's been a constant nag to find the peace I just had, but walking back after a day of class to my dorm God put a thought into my mind. I was trying to understand how it was that I was even still alive in life, and as clear as ever I thought, "I am who I am but by the grace of God" the only reason is God, hello? God loves me, God is taking care of me, God provides for me, Jehova Jireh. Truly He had never left me but carried me through the struggles and pain in my life. I wrote that on my mirror. Tonight God gave me just a bit more insight into what He told me a couple days ago. The thought that God had put in my head, He had some 2000 years prior placed it in the mind of the apostle Paul for a letter he wrote to the church at Corinth. 1 Corinthians 15:10 "But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them—yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me." Lord, let everything remind me of your grace, this furnace is willing let me burn like never before with you Spirit. I am who I am but by the grace of God...